The Past should just be the past...

So today I was in the same room as someone who I would rather not see ever again in my life. Someone who had a big role in what made high school so bad for me. It was the girl that one of my "ex's" played me for, the girl who made me look like a dumbass. Now Im not gonna say that we were rolling eyes and making evil glares at one another because the beef should be squashed and really thats just childish. I dont like him anymore and frankly to this day i cant figure out why I ever did. But just seeing her again opened my mind to thinking about the past. How much pain I went through, how many tears I shed, how I cried almost every night, how I lost control one time and actually got into a small disagreement, or fight if you will. Its crazy how dumb you can be all because you really really like somebody, how blind you can be because for years I was being played. That chapter of my life ended because how he had me and her on 3 way and he told me with her as a witness that every time he told me he loved me it was a lie, he told me that he didnt see himself with me, he told me he wanted her and only her.

Its just that seeing her today brung all that back up and I felt like I was 17 again. I felt like I was that little depressed girl that just lost the one she liked oh so much.

I just feel like the past should be the past. Its just something about that chapter in my life that will always feel incomplete, I just want to go back to having it wayyy in the back of my mind and leave the rest to thinking about my future.

I cant bring myself to care too much because I have Nick and I kno that he will never have me go thru that ever again. He is my angel who I kno will take care of me, and after I talked to him about this everything just felt better, I just know my past will never amount to my future. So imma let the past be the past.

Coping Skills

Ever since I moved into my own apartment in Hampton I've learned something about myself. I do not know how to accept and deal with things when they are not going my way. Although I may not always act like it or show my true feelings my day can really be ruined if I'm upset about something.

When I lived in Hampton I was dirt dirt poor. Like eating was a struggle, people always talked about how much the caf sucked ans how horrible the food was but I really wished I had a meal plan cuz I would have never been hungry. I used to HATE going to work at Chilis because I did not want to be a damn host I wanted to serve. I didnt want to wait until somebody said "Oh Daisha would you like to start serving?" All I ever heard was "Oh you need to learn how to host first before you can serve." WTF!? Whats so hard about seating people? F that job and F chilis.

(see right there I just got mad about my situation there)

Now to get to the reason why I really wrote this blog about my coping skills. I only told Nick and my closest friend Ikea how I really felt about my birthday party. (Tara I know you asked me alot of times how it was and now I can honestly admit that I was avoiding the question)

My birthday was a disaster to me and I dont want to remember anything that had to do with me turning 20 besides the fact that I actually turned 20 on June 11, 2009. I couldnt think of anything to do that wouldnt cost anything to anybody and I wanted to be with all of my friends from Baltimore and Hampton. So when I thought of the hotel party I thought of how much fun it would be with food and music and friends just having a good time. I thought about who would possibly come and I had a list that I was content with. But I was worried that people wouldnt fully connect because they were from different areas and had different intrests depending on where they were from. I had my mother make alot of chicken I made some shrimp, bought some fruit made a fruit salad along with other food we had. Oh and a big cake that prob coulda feed over 30 ppl altho I was only expecting about 20. Well if you saw any of my birthday pictures you would notice that the only people who atteneded was me, my 2 best friends Ikea and Brittany, my boyfriend, and Brent & Lamont. NOBODY ELSE CAME. Now I had about 20 people coming, of those 20 I didnt even include Brent and Lamont. Granted Tara and Tamara called me and informed me that due to bad weather they would not be able to attend. BUT NOBODY ELSE EVEN TEXTED OR CALLED ME TO SAY OH IM NOT COMING. OH AND P.S. it NEVER rained in Baltimore so NONE of my Baltimore friends hada reason to NOT COME after they REPEATEDLY told me that they were COMING.

i mean it was so bad that I had talked to one girl at 8pm which is when my party started and arranged a way for her to get there and after that I hadn't heard from her again besides a "good morning" text about 4 days later. and she told me to "just be mad about it" when I told her how frustrated I was that she never came to my party. REALLY?

Needless to say I had to force chicken and shrimp down Brent and Lamonts throats because I had wayyy too much for the 5 people who actually came. I had to throw away just about everything else.

I did take some things into consideration like:
my party was on a Thursday night
alot of people had transportation issues
the weather was predicted to be bad
...but still...

Now back to my coping skills, its July (I really dont kno what today is lol) OH! July 9th, almost a month after my birthday and I can finally get it off my chest what I was really feeling inside. And even still when I see some of my friends do things I think to myself, "oh they can do this or that or go here or there but they couldnt come to my party?" And some of these people that didnt come i still havent talked to them since then.

But I am able to write this blog because i am no longer mad and its sad it took me this long but I am letting it go, I took this as a learning experience.

GOODNIGHT!