I'm tired....

Im tired of not feeling important to you, not feeling like Im the most special in the room. Im tired with fighting myself over that I feel are negative thoughts. Im tired of waking up in the morning and not seeing your text. Im tired of going to sleep at without a goodnight. Im tired of feeling so needy. I dont need these things, i just really want them. What I want is for us to be US Aug 14, 2008 us. W/o a care in the world, young, having fun & just being there for one another. I want somebody to listen to me when I talk about stuff that nobody could ever care about. I want somebody there to persuade me to talk when I really dont feel like it. I want somebody who isnt afraid to tell me what he wants, what he needs, what he feels. Even when its not all good. I dont want to be strung along. I dont want to feel alone when Im with you. I dont want to be sad, or even worse depressed. I want to feel special, beautiful, significant. I dont feel that with you, im not sure the last time i ever did. Its sad because at this point what I want more than anything is to leave mr. wrong and start with mr. right. Why cant my body leave? I cant seem to stop my body from needing you. I hate it I hate it I hate it, so why do I love you? It doesnt make sense and just thinking about it makes me tired. Im tired of dealing with it, im tired of thinking about it. I just want it to be over, but I really don't. Thats why this is so hard. Im just tired man. Time to sleep it off.

Switcharoo

How did you change so suddenly? Was it something I said? Was it that we finally realized there was a positive way to handle our disagreements? Is it that we both agree to accept one another? This is a little weird to me because in a short amount of time you went from minimal texting me to texting me all the time. You dont want anything, just to know what i'm doing. Are you ok? Sick? Dying? Its like you can be who you want to be instead of holding back now. Well whatever changed don't change it back. Keep it going I like it.

Goodnight.

The Morning After....

So this blog is going to be very different because its not a rant for once. Im extremely happy and I've been thanking God today nonstop.

Yesterday I started my day off on a bad note. I found myself in a downwards spiral because I believed everything that was being told to me. Even when I knew that it didn't seem right. Not saying that everything I heard was incorrect but there was some false information being relayed to me.

I was thinking I was just going to sit around the house and be sad about it but I did something that was completely out of the ordinary for me. I decided to get up, get dressed, and get to the bottom of this. I traveled to his job with a open mind. Which I was very surprised about. I was a little hurt but I think I was still in denial about the situation. When I talked to him at his job it was kinda awkward but im soo glad he wanted to go outside with me, sit down, and get everything in the clear. He didn't deny anything and we really had a heart to heart while he was on the clock rather than blowing me off. It ended with a kiss on the cheek from me but a hug and kiss on the lips from him, something that we had been avoiding for a few days because of a miscommunication we had had a couple days before. I left happy, relieved, and fulfilled.

So later that day I started to feel that negativity rise in my heart and I felt that everything we had talked about earlier was a lie. It wasn't, I really just over think things. The outcome of that situation was me getting to his party, late that is, and having a great time. I didn't get there until around 1 am so I spent the night.

What I love so much about spending the night with him is that I dream about him, and when I wake up the man in my dreams is laying right next to me. Words can not explain how much of a great feeling that is. & to top it off he would reach his arm out, wrap it around my waist and pull me closer to him. (Which somehow i wiggled my way out of in my sleep lol)

In the morning I went into the bathroom portion of the room and I could see him sleeping soundly in the mirror and it all felt so right. To top it off the weather was perfect. It was quiet outside, with a light drizzle and overcast. I love peaceful weather with a calming scene. It felt like something out of a movie.

He asked me why I was smiling so much, but I couldn't tell him. If he only knew how deeply I felt this morning he would probably say "aww" but it would probably scare the crap outta him. Im glad he doesn't know about this blog. Lol, I kno its sad...

I spent the entire day with him and I loved every minute of it. Even though we didn't do anything but go out to eat and then chill in the house for the rest of the day... nap included. It doesn't matter. Every second counts.

Now that I'm home, I actually miss him.
*sigh*

Faith says yes.

Somehow I got so caught up in how good things felt at the current moment that i never really thought about getting hurt again. I know when you love you run the risk but when you are in the act you no longer sit and think about those risks. For the last nine months I've been thinking that it has already hit rock bottom, it cant get any worse. I've been keeping my hopes high when I should have just let them go. Why do fools fall in love? This has been by far the worst year for me. I can thank God for allowing me to see each new day with a clear mind and an openness to new experiences without completely falling apart. But its hard. It's hard to smile when everything hurts so bad. I've tried acting but Im not very good at it because it is a form of lying. Acting like it doesn't cut deep is like trying to hide a limp in an injured leg. I never thought things would turn out to be this way but look where I am now. I can't even think of a way out. The way I've been taught is to walk by faith and not by sight. I do believe that everything will be good even though one's mind is made up about the future. Things change, feelings change and people change. If people can change for the lesser good then why not believe that they can change for the greater good. I thank God for giving me the power to love unconditionally and I am learning to use my patience. Many people do not have that power and they give in to giving up. Life is about sacrifices and I find myself, sacrificing for what I strongly believe in. Now I see why Dondria's lyrics were placed in perfect harmony with "church music". So while I may sit here feeling depressed I know this will not last forever. I am being mentally prepared for my life to drastically change for the better. I do believe that and I patiently wait for the day. So whenever I think to myself... should I give up? I remember that when fact points to no, faith points to yes. Pray for me.

Stupid

No matter how much i tried to fight the feeling but feeling stupid is unavoidable. Most times it hits you wayyy after the fact. I feel stupid because I turn off my phone and then I turn it back on and the person who I was trying to avoid shows up on my screen. Leave me alone haven't you done enough damage? Stupid of me to respond. Stupid of me to feel relieved. Stupid of me to let my guard down. Stupid Stupid Stupid.
Ugh... I feel like im playing myself at this point. I hope I dont blow up in my own face.

I know what its like...

I know this all too well. I know what its like to be blatantly lied to. I know the all the phrases "shes crazy", "no im not talking to anybody else" and the new one "no I dont have any secrets".

What do you do when you know someone is lying, but when you reveal that you also reveal something about yourself?

How do you tell me that you've been trying to get this "thing" off your hip and then seem upset when you think its gone? How do you think about two people at the same time? I never understood how someone could just play another like that.

Im stuck here in this situation right now. Im not sure what to do, what to say, or where to turn. Putting myself in someone elses shoes looking in on me I would off hand say, "just leave him alone". I wish it were that easy. I wish I didn't have tricks of my own but I do. I wish I didnt know how to do certain things, but I do. I wish certain people wouldn't let me do certain things, but they do. In a world that says yes to me how can I not just take it?

Sometimes I go back to just one week ago and think... I should have just left that text message be. Even though it was on the wrong day. I should have been polite and said "thank you" nothing else.

But today I would be sitting here probably still mad at the world, tears rolling down my face at random times during the day. Still taking part in my bad habits. So which is better? The girl who I could have been or the girl I am today? I must say I've learned alot and Im still learning. I've learned when to talk and when not to. I've learned to truly hope for the best but expect the worse. I've learned my true place in the situation. And Im not crying. I don't even feel sad. I just feel that I might be wasting my time, you are such a pity. What am I doing?

I prayed on this earlier. I prayed for happiness. I prayed that there would be no stress, no broken hearts, nothing.

Being on the outside does not mean I dont know what it feels like. Because i do, i know the feeling too well, enough so that I dont want to go through it again. Right now I think this is the end, but Im not sure.

All I've got to say is if you rely on facebook..... nvm

I stand in the sand

lol the title is really just a joke but seriously....

Right now I am confused to say the least. I've been getting myself into alot of trouble with myself because I have a bad habit. Only those who are closest to me know what my habit is. Its like an addiction that I honestly have to have the strength to quit. Sometimes Im really good at just leaving things alone but other times, esp when my heart starts to beat really fast and everything around me starts to disappear this addiction comes out and gets the best of me.

Recently I've been so happy and busy that I haven't even had time to do my dirty deeds. For some reason I filled my heart with forgiveness and trust. HUGE MISTAKES. I feel like I let my guard down. They say its a good thing to play scenarios in your head and try to act out how you would handle certain situations. I had everything down pat, but now that its time for me to show off what I've learned and how I've grown, I've seemed to have forgotten everything. Its like the girl with the lead role in a play who has talked about this play for the longest and rehearsed everyday. Then suddenly when the curtain opens she forgets ALL of her lines.

I feel like I walked on the beach, and just stopped there. Im standing in sand and its taking me under. Im not sure how this is working out, im not sure if this is a bad idea or not, Im just not sure of anything. Its crazy because less than a week ago I was sure about everything. What happened? A couple text messages, a few confessions? I dont get it. Im trying not to overthink because overthinking is the enemy trying to pick at everything and dig out the negatives.

I can't really do anything because I just feel stuck. Stuck in my own feelings and desires matched with his. Everything is 50/50. I want this but not all the way. Its soo stupid.

I just needed to get that off my chest.