Stupid

No matter how much i tried to fight the feeling but feeling stupid is unavoidable. Most times it hits you wayyy after the fact. I feel stupid because I turn off my phone and then I turn it back on and the person who I was trying to avoid shows up on my screen. Leave me alone haven't you done enough damage? Stupid of me to respond. Stupid of me to feel relieved. Stupid of me to let my guard down. Stupid Stupid Stupid.
Ugh... I feel like im playing myself at this point. I hope I dont blow up in my own face.

I know what its like...

I know this all too well. I know what its like to be blatantly lied to. I know the all the phrases "shes crazy", "no im not talking to anybody else" and the new one "no I dont have any secrets".

What do you do when you know someone is lying, but when you reveal that you also reveal something about yourself?

How do you tell me that you've been trying to get this "thing" off your hip and then seem upset when you think its gone? How do you think about two people at the same time? I never understood how someone could just play another like that.

Im stuck here in this situation right now. Im not sure what to do, what to say, or where to turn. Putting myself in someone elses shoes looking in on me I would off hand say, "just leave him alone". I wish it were that easy. I wish I didn't have tricks of my own but I do. I wish I didnt know how to do certain things, but I do. I wish certain people wouldn't let me do certain things, but they do. In a world that says yes to me how can I not just take it?

Sometimes I go back to just one week ago and think... I should have just left that text message be. Even though it was on the wrong day. I should have been polite and said "thank you" nothing else.

But today I would be sitting here probably still mad at the world, tears rolling down my face at random times during the day. Still taking part in my bad habits. So which is better? The girl who I could have been or the girl I am today? I must say I've learned alot and Im still learning. I've learned when to talk and when not to. I've learned to truly hope for the best but expect the worse. I've learned my true place in the situation. And Im not crying. I don't even feel sad. I just feel that I might be wasting my time, you are such a pity. What am I doing?

I prayed on this earlier. I prayed for happiness. I prayed that there would be no stress, no broken hearts, nothing.

Being on the outside does not mean I dont know what it feels like. Because i do, i know the feeling too well, enough so that I dont want to go through it again. Right now I think this is the end, but Im not sure.

All I've got to say is if you rely on facebook..... nvm

I stand in the sand

lol the title is really just a joke but seriously....

Right now I am confused to say the least. I've been getting myself into alot of trouble with myself because I have a bad habit. Only those who are closest to me know what my habit is. Its like an addiction that I honestly have to have the strength to quit. Sometimes Im really good at just leaving things alone but other times, esp when my heart starts to beat really fast and everything around me starts to disappear this addiction comes out and gets the best of me.

Recently I've been so happy and busy that I haven't even had time to do my dirty deeds. For some reason I filled my heart with forgiveness and trust. HUGE MISTAKES. I feel like I let my guard down. They say its a good thing to play scenarios in your head and try to act out how you would handle certain situations. I had everything down pat, but now that its time for me to show off what I've learned and how I've grown, I've seemed to have forgotten everything. Its like the girl with the lead role in a play who has talked about this play for the longest and rehearsed everyday. Then suddenly when the curtain opens she forgets ALL of her lines.

I feel like I walked on the beach, and just stopped there. Im standing in sand and its taking me under. Im not sure how this is working out, im not sure if this is a bad idea or not, Im just not sure of anything. Its crazy because less than a week ago I was sure about everything. What happened? A couple text messages, a few confessions? I dont get it. Im trying not to overthink because overthinking is the enemy trying to pick at everything and dig out the negatives.

I can't really do anything because I just feel stuck. Stuck in my own feelings and desires matched with his. Everything is 50/50. I want this but not all the way. Its soo stupid.

I just needed to get that off my chest.