I'm tired....

Im tired of not feeling important to you, not feeling like Im the most special in the room. Im tired with fighting myself over that I feel are negative thoughts. Im tired of waking up in the morning and not seeing your text. Im tired of going to sleep at without a goodnight. Im tired of feeling so needy. I dont need these things, i just really want them. What I want is for us to be US Aug 14, 2008 us. W/o a care in the world, young, having fun & just being there for one another. I want somebody to listen to me when I talk about stuff that nobody could ever care about. I want somebody there to persuade me to talk when I really dont feel like it. I want somebody who isnt afraid to tell me what he wants, what he needs, what he feels. Even when its not all good. I dont want to be strung along. I dont want to feel alone when Im with you. I dont want to be sad, or even worse depressed. I want to feel special, beautiful, significant. I dont feel that with you, im not sure the last time i ever did. Its sad because at this point what I want more than anything is to leave mr. wrong and start with mr. right. Why cant my body leave? I cant seem to stop my body from needing you. I hate it I hate it I hate it, so why do I love you? It doesnt make sense and just thinking about it makes me tired. Im tired of dealing with it, im tired of thinking about it. I just want it to be over, but I really don't. Thats why this is so hard. Im just tired man. Time to sleep it off.

Switcharoo

How did you change so suddenly? Was it something I said? Was it that we finally realized there was a positive way to handle our disagreements? Is it that we both agree to accept one another? This is a little weird to me because in a short amount of time you went from minimal texting me to texting me all the time. You dont want anything, just to know what i'm doing. Are you ok? Sick? Dying? Its like you can be who you want to be instead of holding back now. Well whatever changed don't change it back. Keep it going I like it.

Goodnight.

The Morning After....

So this blog is going to be very different because its not a rant for once. Im extremely happy and I've been thanking God today nonstop.

Yesterday I started my day off on a bad note. I found myself in a downwards spiral because I believed everything that was being told to me. Even when I knew that it didn't seem right. Not saying that everything I heard was incorrect but there was some false information being relayed to me.

I was thinking I was just going to sit around the house and be sad about it but I did something that was completely out of the ordinary for me. I decided to get up, get dressed, and get to the bottom of this. I traveled to his job with a open mind. Which I was very surprised about. I was a little hurt but I think I was still in denial about the situation. When I talked to him at his job it was kinda awkward but im soo glad he wanted to go outside with me, sit down, and get everything in the clear. He didn't deny anything and we really had a heart to heart while he was on the clock rather than blowing me off. It ended with a kiss on the cheek from me but a hug and kiss on the lips from him, something that we had been avoiding for a few days because of a miscommunication we had had a couple days before. I left happy, relieved, and fulfilled.

So later that day I started to feel that negativity rise in my heart and I felt that everything we had talked about earlier was a lie. It wasn't, I really just over think things. The outcome of that situation was me getting to his party, late that is, and having a great time. I didn't get there until around 1 am so I spent the night.

What I love so much about spending the night with him is that I dream about him, and when I wake up the man in my dreams is laying right next to me. Words can not explain how much of a great feeling that is. & to top it off he would reach his arm out, wrap it around my waist and pull me closer to him. (Which somehow i wiggled my way out of in my sleep lol)

In the morning I went into the bathroom portion of the room and I could see him sleeping soundly in the mirror and it all felt so right. To top it off the weather was perfect. It was quiet outside, with a light drizzle and overcast. I love peaceful weather with a calming scene. It felt like something out of a movie.

He asked me why I was smiling so much, but I couldn't tell him. If he only knew how deeply I felt this morning he would probably say "aww" but it would probably scare the crap outta him. Im glad he doesn't know about this blog. Lol, I kno its sad...

I spent the entire day with him and I loved every minute of it. Even though we didn't do anything but go out to eat and then chill in the house for the rest of the day... nap included. It doesn't matter. Every second counts.

Now that I'm home, I actually miss him.
*sigh*

Faith says yes.

Somehow I got so caught up in how good things felt at the current moment that i never really thought about getting hurt again. I know when you love you run the risk but when you are in the act you no longer sit and think about those risks. For the last nine months I've been thinking that it has already hit rock bottom, it cant get any worse. I've been keeping my hopes high when I should have just let them go. Why do fools fall in love? This has been by far the worst year for me. I can thank God for allowing me to see each new day with a clear mind and an openness to new experiences without completely falling apart. But its hard. It's hard to smile when everything hurts so bad. I've tried acting but Im not very good at it because it is a form of lying. Acting like it doesn't cut deep is like trying to hide a limp in an injured leg. I never thought things would turn out to be this way but look where I am now. I can't even think of a way out. The way I've been taught is to walk by faith and not by sight. I do believe that everything will be good even though one's mind is made up about the future. Things change, feelings change and people change. If people can change for the lesser good then why not believe that they can change for the greater good. I thank God for giving me the power to love unconditionally and I am learning to use my patience. Many people do not have that power and they give in to giving up. Life is about sacrifices and I find myself, sacrificing for what I strongly believe in. Now I see why Dondria's lyrics were placed in perfect harmony with "church music". So while I may sit here feeling depressed I know this will not last forever. I am being mentally prepared for my life to drastically change for the better. I do believe that and I patiently wait for the day. So whenever I think to myself... should I give up? I remember that when fact points to no, faith points to yes. Pray for me.

Stupid

No matter how much i tried to fight the feeling but feeling stupid is unavoidable. Most times it hits you wayyy after the fact. I feel stupid because I turn off my phone and then I turn it back on and the person who I was trying to avoid shows up on my screen. Leave me alone haven't you done enough damage? Stupid of me to respond. Stupid of me to feel relieved. Stupid of me to let my guard down. Stupid Stupid Stupid.
Ugh... I feel like im playing myself at this point. I hope I dont blow up in my own face.

I know what its like...

I know this all too well. I know what its like to be blatantly lied to. I know the all the phrases "shes crazy", "no im not talking to anybody else" and the new one "no I dont have any secrets".

What do you do when you know someone is lying, but when you reveal that you also reveal something about yourself?

How do you tell me that you've been trying to get this "thing" off your hip and then seem upset when you think its gone? How do you think about two people at the same time? I never understood how someone could just play another like that.

Im stuck here in this situation right now. Im not sure what to do, what to say, or where to turn. Putting myself in someone elses shoes looking in on me I would off hand say, "just leave him alone". I wish it were that easy. I wish I didn't have tricks of my own but I do. I wish I didnt know how to do certain things, but I do. I wish certain people wouldn't let me do certain things, but they do. In a world that says yes to me how can I not just take it?

Sometimes I go back to just one week ago and think... I should have just left that text message be. Even though it was on the wrong day. I should have been polite and said "thank you" nothing else.

But today I would be sitting here probably still mad at the world, tears rolling down my face at random times during the day. Still taking part in my bad habits. So which is better? The girl who I could have been or the girl I am today? I must say I've learned alot and Im still learning. I've learned when to talk and when not to. I've learned to truly hope for the best but expect the worse. I've learned my true place in the situation. And Im not crying. I don't even feel sad. I just feel that I might be wasting my time, you are such a pity. What am I doing?

I prayed on this earlier. I prayed for happiness. I prayed that there would be no stress, no broken hearts, nothing.

Being on the outside does not mean I dont know what it feels like. Because i do, i know the feeling too well, enough so that I dont want to go through it again. Right now I think this is the end, but Im not sure.

All I've got to say is if you rely on facebook..... nvm

I stand in the sand

lol the title is really just a joke but seriously....

Right now I am confused to say the least. I've been getting myself into alot of trouble with myself because I have a bad habit. Only those who are closest to me know what my habit is. Its like an addiction that I honestly have to have the strength to quit. Sometimes Im really good at just leaving things alone but other times, esp when my heart starts to beat really fast and everything around me starts to disappear this addiction comes out and gets the best of me.

Recently I've been so happy and busy that I haven't even had time to do my dirty deeds. For some reason I filled my heart with forgiveness and trust. HUGE MISTAKES. I feel like I let my guard down. They say its a good thing to play scenarios in your head and try to act out how you would handle certain situations. I had everything down pat, but now that its time for me to show off what I've learned and how I've grown, I've seemed to have forgotten everything. Its like the girl with the lead role in a play who has talked about this play for the longest and rehearsed everyday. Then suddenly when the curtain opens she forgets ALL of her lines.

I feel like I walked on the beach, and just stopped there. Im standing in sand and its taking me under. Im not sure how this is working out, im not sure if this is a bad idea or not, Im just not sure of anything. Its crazy because less than a week ago I was sure about everything. What happened? A couple text messages, a few confessions? I dont get it. Im trying not to overthink because overthinking is the enemy trying to pick at everything and dig out the negatives.

I can't really do anything because I just feel stuck. Stuck in my own feelings and desires matched with his. Everything is 50/50. I want this but not all the way. Its soo stupid.

I just needed to get that off my chest.

Letting it all out

Alot of times I like to write my blog entries with some sort of caution because there is always the "what if" he reads these thoughts that come to my mind. But with this one I really need to let some things out. So earlier this week I was randomly "blocked" on FB. by my ex. And he so called deleted all the pictures of us together that were in his profile pics. Really it hurt me.. it took me into a downwards spiral that I thought I was coming out of. So I decided to leave the computer alone for the rest of the week. This step didnt really do much but allow me to prove to myself that I could do it. But during this week I went thru alot of different emotions. And I even took a drive out to a certain place where I had no business being. But now I kinda see everything falling together. Im not sure if it is falling together in a positive or negative way for me but some things are starting to happen.

So today was the first time I was able to get back on the internet. Man... the things i saw. So what I should have been doing was jumping up and down on my bed... smiling from ear to ear. But for some reason, in my mind I felt sorry. I felt sorry for everyone involved, mainly because I knew it was going to happen and partly because I still couldn't believe the level of buffoonery. WOW. just wow. It amazes me that people think everything in life could be so perfect for them. I've been there too, but once you are shot down from your high horse you learn that lesson. You put up your shield so that you are not shot down again. But others.... they really think they wont get shot again. What makes you so special? What makes you better than me? Is it because you live in a fancy house?, or because you write notes with SAT words?, or is it because in actuality you are intimidated of me?

Through all of this I've been praying. Not praying asking God if he would change things in my favor, but praying so that I can have the strength to accept whatever will happen. Praying for the strength, wisdom, and guidance of others too. Praying for those who "oppress" others because they've "oppressed" themselves. Someone wrote a status saying something along the lines of "doesn't it feel good when God works things out?"

I haven't stopped hurting over the situation. But now it hurts alot less. The hurt has not been completely lifted but now I know that when some things happen against you in the incorrect way.. there is light at the end of the tunnel. They say God never closes a door without opening a window.

As for you sir, im going to continue to pray for you... and her. Because altho I may have some kind of "internet stalking" problem. you have no room to judge. If your mind can not make itself up then you need time to yourself to think and pray. ALONE. Look at me. Im alone. And I really dont care to even look at another boy. Which was proven tonight. I can live without my computer, I can live without my cell phone vibrating, I can live without your attention. Can you? I hope whatever your heart wants it gets because really at this point IDC. #kanyeshrug

Daisha no longer has nothing to lose with you sir. Like you said.

"To those who will not be named, F**k you and your problems. Have a nice day"

Dag.. that really felt good.

After the relationship..

soo i think i'm going to make this clear on every blog that i write thats either informative or offers some form of advice.. I AM NOT AN EXPERT. Everything I write is solely based upon personal experience and things that I've read/heard. So if you don't agree thats fine. IDC #kanyeshrug lol

Its pretty clear that my blog is mostly about relationships. (Besides a few random entries about pregnancy, school, and other experiences) W/e

So I've been through alot this month and I look back to the beginning and realize just how strong I am. I swear that Alicia Keys song, Superwoman is my theme music. I think Im gonna go out for a night on the town and just bump that as loud as I can on repeat. Sike no thats OD.

Well anyway.. before I get too distracted from the point of this blog........

When you get out of a relationship that you were so confident about then thats the perfect time to start building on yourself. Im not saying you aren't allowed to be upset or sad but in reality you are now on your own. Stand up, build yourself up. He's not going to come back because you are a complete and total wreck. You have something to prove. That is you were a great person before you met him, and you are even a better person after the breakup. Don't trick yourself either. You are not going to become that person within the week of the breakup. No it takes time. TIME TIME TIME TIME TIME. Not weeks..maybe months, or years for some. Are you listening to me? Cuz this next one is very important. DO NOT and I repeat... DO NOT go back to him and try to throw it in his face about how you have changed RETARD. Let him notice that himself. You can't convince him to love you. You cant convince him to like you. Its his and only his decision.

Point is men lose interest, or they will string you along when something else has their interest. When this happens then that means the relationship you used to know is over. Point blank. Did I say that everything is over? NO, YOU ARE MAKING ME MAD CUZ YOU AREN'T LISTENING! He needs space, he needs time, he needs (dare I say it?) someone else. And I know its hard, i know I know I know, but you have to let him go!

If you love something let it go... and if it comes back blah blah blah... yea that saying is very true. How can he know you were the real deal if he doesnt go out and have other experiences to compare? He might say he loves you and then he leaves, he has a relationship (or 2 or 3 or 4) with other girls and they all SUCK in comparison to you. HE LOVES YOU THEN FOOL. lol (ok imma stop talking to yall this way)

What do you do if and when he comes back? See this is why I said you have to build on yourself. When he comes back you have to be strong enough to not care. You shouldn't give a GD if he really wants you back. He has to work for that ish. LOL. You should have the same attitude that he had when he let you go. (Ok deep down inside you can care alot and jump for joy) but DONT let him see that.

So how will you know when you are ready?

1. You've found out some things about yourself that you didnt know beofre. SELF REALIZATION
2. You are fine with the fact that the relationship is over. You can live without it. ACCEPTANCE.
3. You enjoy spending time with other guys. (No this does not mean become a ho.)
4. Your first thought in the morning is about yourself.
5. You feel like your life is in order.
6. You can smile!
7. You have a life.

So what happens when he does come back?

The two of you need to go very sllloooowww. Start of as casual friends ( does that exist? lol) Well what I mean is... you dont have to talk everyday all day. Keep the curiosity high. Let things grow. No relationship is 100% perfect at first. The two of you also need to realize what went wrong in the so there are no repeats. Now you have to figure out how to talk about this because you cant just jump into a convo like that. He might get scared.

ABOVE ALL LOVE YOURSELF, KEEP A STEADFAST MIND, PRAISE GOD, and I promise everything will be fine.
:)

Letter to Daisha from Daisha...

soo... i was cleaning out my emails and i came across something I wrote to myself a couple months ago. I had written it couple weeks after a painful breakup, probably when I started to think positive. Everyday it hurts a little less which is a good thing, time does actually heal all wounds.

Its so crazy b/c I wrote it to myself to read in the future if anything had ever gone wrong in my life again. Im so glad I saw it today because I actually forgot about it.

So this is what it said:

Subject: Hi Daisha

when the world is spinning in your head. dont worry because nothing is dead. everything needs time before it can be sorted out. so its good that you are not crying... you shouldnt even pout. the relationship was good, the whole way through. but if he doesnt want it, then hes not the one for you. so all you can do is stay positive above all, because having a weak mind will cause you to fall. I love you, because you are me, i want you to do well and be the best that you can be. all your life you will have to fight, and some things will just happen against you, no matter if it is wrong or right. walking down memory lane will surely drive you insane. because the life once lived came to a stop so pick yourself up because the at every end there is a new start.

I love this so much. I take it as a message from God, I was just as messed up back then as I am today but somehow it seemed like everything turned out to be ok.

And what's even more crazy is the day after I'd sent this email to myself, he sent me an email apologizing to me.

Once you have a clear mind and can accept things then you release yourself from your negative energy.

Today i thought about the heart vs. mind thing. Really I don't know which is saying what but I do know they are both on the same accord. My mind is no longer saying something different from my heart and that indeed is a good feeling. You can call it having faith during the worst of times.

Believe.

#thatisall lol

The One I Gave My Heart To

This song describes my life to a T. Man I hate love and he doesnt even understand, he doesnt even know what Im going through over here.

This Morning 5-5-10

You kno I didnt go to sleep until maybe like 4 am, and its 9 something and im up already... Idk y lol.
( im sure I'll take a nap later)

But there is something about today, and though it is so early I can really feel it. It has a strong presence. It's positive energy. Wow it feels great. I am confident that the rest of this day will be filled with opportunity for me to grow and become stronger. I am not going to look back, honestly I cant right now because I really dont care to.

I know my blog posts are usually fairly long, so Imma keep this one short. (Tho idk who actually reads them cuz i never get any comments!!)

I just want everyone to have a wonderful, blessed day and I want you to keep the enemy away.

"STOMP ON THE DEVILS HEAD"!!!

ILY guys
<3

I refuse to be depressed

so today's blog is on a positive note. but it doesnt start off that way....

so im sick. i think i just have the common cold in all but nonetheless im sick. I think i know why im sick too, I made myself sick. Today is the day that I've actually eaten something. Yesterday and the day before for those full 48 hours I ate a small salad from Quizznos and some pops cereal. Both very small portions. I havent been taking care of my body and thats a shame b/c my body is a temple.

So today @ school i was n my first class and of course since its winding down to the last days we are only doing reviews. I dont care for reviews altho they do help. But anyway I was getting sadder and sadder by the second and i actually reached a point where i let a tear roll down my face. How embarassin, i mean im a jr in college crying in class. What kinda Daisha is that? Not a good one. So then im in my 2nd class out of 4 for the day and im just crying more and more. I stopped paying attention to what the woman was saying and this is when I made up my mind to go home once class is over. I got n my car, drove in the direction of the highway, then thought I was fine enough to come back and go to class. So i made a 180 and went back to school, found a parking spot and couldnt make myself get out of the car. I drove home taking the streets and crying all the way home. UGH i was such a mess. Throat feeling like crap and Im making it worse.

I got home and I told my mother how sad I was and she gave me tissue to wipe my eyes, she went downstairs made me some food and told me she didnt care if i wasnt hungry i was gona eat it lol. she then put on a dvd for me. It was the dvd from the church service @ the empowerment temple and it was about refusing to be depressed.

you know most of the time when a break up happens people say,

"oh you will find somebody else"
or
"oh maybe this was best"
or
"you will be ok"

and you dont want to believe any of this, but when you listen to a sermon on this topic WHEN it is currently happening in your life....woooo you know for a fact that God is talking to you and he wants you to understand that it is ok and this is for the best. He will never put you through more than you can handle. People just dont realize how gifted and blessed they are and they get caught up in drama that really has nothing to do with them. Some people are addicted to evil because they do not see the better person within themselves. They create stress, depression, anxiety, and any other negative emotion. But when you really sit down and put your arms around yourself and reassure that that is actually God giving you that hug, you know that everything you have been going through is released. Release all that negative energy, just separate yourself from it. Take it out of your hands and put it in God's hands. Pain does NOT last forever. So im done. Im done crying, im oot gonna give up, Im not going to lose sleep, im going to eat my meals and enjoy it. Because this problem is not bigger than me. I am a stronger woman than I was this morning. Im no longer waiting around for something that might not happen. I REFUSE TO BE DEPRESSED. Depression is the enemy and I will not give in.

Ever since I listened to that word I've been great. (Besides still being a little sick)

I wish i had the video to post on this blog to share with everyone.

Take care, I love you guys, and I do not want to see another sad face about a relationship that God took away from you because it was only to make you better.

:)

Thinking again...

You kno I dont wanna sound like the bitter girls who sit there and say eff love and n's aint ish and yak yak yak but seriously I completely understand where they are coming from.

There are stages that we go thru to help us get thru a broken relationship and get past it. Im no expert and Im not saying that I have all the answers but I think Im still in the first stage. Which is shock, or denial. Like wow, is this really happening? Its hard to walk out the door when u dnt kno what ur leaving for. Man I sit here and try to keep my mind clear of thoughts of him and I and what we used to do and how we used to be. But I mean its really really hard. Its like you put so much trust and so much love and respect into a person, and he exemplifies the highest standards how could you not fall?

Its experiences like these when you feel that nothing can go wrong actually does that puts us in a mindset that we must protect ourselves. And the funny thing is, I was protecting myself. All those I love you's after us being together for only a month meant nothing to me. I said it back but honestly i didnt mean it. Because I had been hurt before and I wasnt gonna let myself down so easily. My closest friend asked me "do u love him yet, do u love him yet?" me: "no i dnt love him" I wish i stayed like that thru the whole relationship. because no matter how much i resisted I did end up falling into what I think is love. I believe that once you fall in love, you are not gonna fall out of it. That one sir will always hold a special place in my heart. And with every girl he is with or finds some kind of interest in I will not like her. Thats just how it is.

But as for me right now I have to find a way to not think of it so much. Because I think i think i think = im overthinking. and most likely hes not thinking about it at all. I never want to put more energy into something than i feel the person on the other end is putting. I looked at a bunch of pictures of the single Daisha before I even met him and I honestly cant remember her. I cant think of how every night she went to sleep without thinking of some boy. How she went to sleep happy that she was alone. And this is sad, but it shows me that I need to get my self esteem back up, to get my confidence back up, to get my life going. I know I can do it some day, and I kno that when that day comes he will want to come back too. Because I will be that Daisha that he fell in love with in the first place.

Time to stop stressing over a situation that only time can control. I am not time, I have no control over the day being 24 hrs or the week being 7 days, so why am I so pressed? Time will heal all wounds.

One day I will not think about this at all.

Without

ok so I kno this doesnt have that rhythmic flow but i started writing this a couple months ago when my heart was broken and look at me... heartbroken again over the same guy, smh. well enjoy...

Without

Have you ever had one of those dreams?
Where everything is different from what it seems?
Everybody is smiling, no problems at all,
and then out of nowhere the world starts to fall?
All the laughter turns to screams..
and then you wake up and it is what it seems.

I read an email that says keep a steadfast mind.
It tells me to release my problems to God and not mankind.
Wow if I'd had that email all along
then I wouldn't have went about this entire situation so wrong.
I learned that if you love something you can let it go.
and no matter how hard I fight no will always mean no.

Nicholas Brown you are very special to me
our lines of communication have been shut off
due to my own stupidity
or was it that same line that saved my life?
saved me from thinking I was already your wife

without the papers without a ring
i thought everything was everything
but now i am without that same mind frame
and i kno that some things will never be the same

some boys just dont get it, especially you
that girls can and will fall for a fool
a fool without a plan
a fool without a wish
except for him to eat more than whats on his dish

so without further adeau
I present to you
Daisha N. Jackson
yes she is brand new.

without this experience she wouldnt be who she is today
without kind words of wisdom she would have lost her way
but she knows what she must do
and no matter how long it takes
she will ween herself off of you

your life without Daisha will not be great
because you realized your game a little too late
without you my world is spinning fast
without you my sanity will last

i'd rather be without than with
someone who stomps on my heart
then pleads the fifth.

Wow

Wow I haven't been on here in a long long time. How has everyone been? Idk how Im feeling right now. Everything is just jumbled up in my life and I'm just now starting to accept the way things are and learn how to deal with it. No that does not mean that the hurt does not resurface and I do not have those late night crying spells. That just means that I am dealing with the crap and stress in a different, more positive way.

So there is this guy, y'all know who he is. He was a big part of my life since Summer '08. Notice I said WAS. Its so crazy how one day you can have your whole life planned out. Where you want to live, who you want to live with, your career, your spouse, your kids, your extended family, the number of bedrooms your house will have...what color shoes your first kid will wear. SHEESH! How could I be so blind? I had my life set in a box and I became so consumed in how great the future was going to be i completely didn't pay attention to the present. I became so comfortable in who I was with that I felt nothing will happen between us. So what happened between us? Beats me! Men have to pull away, they have to take a step back from the realtionship to find themselves, to be with themselves. (So I've read) So why do they have to do this? IDK. Really I think everyone needs to take a break from their serious relationship at some point to see if they stand alone as X or fall apart when XY splits. Thats what Im doing, standing alone as X, but im not going to lie, I was an XY. It was the worst feeling ever to be an XY but I wasnt born that way so why fret about it?

Man Idk what Im talkin about anymore lol class is almost over, until next time. Peace.