Letting it all out

Alot of times I like to write my blog entries with some sort of caution because there is always the "what if" he reads these thoughts that come to my mind. But with this one I really need to let some things out. So earlier this week I was randomly "blocked" on FB. by my ex. And he so called deleted all the pictures of us together that were in his profile pics. Really it hurt me.. it took me into a downwards spiral that I thought I was coming out of. So I decided to leave the computer alone for the rest of the week. This step didnt really do much but allow me to prove to myself that I could do it. But during this week I went thru alot of different emotions. And I even took a drive out to a certain place where I had no business being. But now I kinda see everything falling together. Im not sure if it is falling together in a positive or negative way for me but some things are starting to happen.

So today was the first time I was able to get back on the internet. Man... the things i saw. So what I should have been doing was jumping up and down on my bed... smiling from ear to ear. But for some reason, in my mind I felt sorry. I felt sorry for everyone involved, mainly because I knew it was going to happen and partly because I still couldn't believe the level of buffoonery. WOW. just wow. It amazes me that people think everything in life could be so perfect for them. I've been there too, but once you are shot down from your high horse you learn that lesson. You put up your shield so that you are not shot down again. But others.... they really think they wont get shot again. What makes you so special? What makes you better than me? Is it because you live in a fancy house?, or because you write notes with SAT words?, or is it because in actuality you are intimidated of me?

Through all of this I've been praying. Not praying asking God if he would change things in my favor, but praying so that I can have the strength to accept whatever will happen. Praying for the strength, wisdom, and guidance of others too. Praying for those who "oppress" others because they've "oppressed" themselves. Someone wrote a status saying something along the lines of "doesn't it feel good when God works things out?"

I haven't stopped hurting over the situation. But now it hurts alot less. The hurt has not been completely lifted but now I know that when some things happen against you in the incorrect way.. there is light at the end of the tunnel. They say God never closes a door without opening a window.

As for you sir, im going to continue to pray for you... and her. Because altho I may have some kind of "internet stalking" problem. you have no room to judge. If your mind can not make itself up then you need time to yourself to think and pray. ALONE. Look at me. Im alone. And I really dont care to even look at another boy. Which was proven tonight. I can live without my computer, I can live without my cell phone vibrating, I can live without your attention. Can you? I hope whatever your heart wants it gets because really at this point IDC. #kanyeshrug

Daisha no longer has nothing to lose with you sir. Like you said.

"To those who will not be named, F**k you and your problems. Have a nice day"

Dag.. that really felt good.