I stand in the sand

lol the title is really just a joke but seriously....

Right now I am confused to say the least. I've been getting myself into alot of trouble with myself because I have a bad habit. Only those who are closest to me know what my habit is. Its like an addiction that I honestly have to have the strength to quit. Sometimes Im really good at just leaving things alone but other times, esp when my heart starts to beat really fast and everything around me starts to disappear this addiction comes out and gets the best of me.

Recently I've been so happy and busy that I haven't even had time to do my dirty deeds. For some reason I filled my heart with forgiveness and trust. HUGE MISTAKES. I feel like I let my guard down. They say its a good thing to play scenarios in your head and try to act out how you would handle certain situations. I had everything down pat, but now that its time for me to show off what I've learned and how I've grown, I've seemed to have forgotten everything. Its like the girl with the lead role in a play who has talked about this play for the longest and rehearsed everyday. Then suddenly when the curtain opens she forgets ALL of her lines.

I feel like I walked on the beach, and just stopped there. Im standing in sand and its taking me under. Im not sure how this is working out, im not sure if this is a bad idea or not, Im just not sure of anything. Its crazy because less than a week ago I was sure about everything. What happened? A couple text messages, a few confessions? I dont get it. Im trying not to overthink because overthinking is the enemy trying to pick at everything and dig out the negatives.

I can't really do anything because I just feel stuck. Stuck in my own feelings and desires matched with his. Everything is 50/50. I want this but not all the way. Its soo stupid.

I just needed to get that off my chest.